A reflection

Looking back and reading a few of my oldest posts…I noticed how silly and sometimes trivial big things really are.

 

A change has taken place, people grow, friends go lost…

 

But in the end, the things that really matter stay put

Consider this…

“Considering how my life is spent…” after reading this line from On His Blindness by John Milton, I did exactly just that.

Over the past year I have grown, emotionally and spiritually. Being pretty much the same as I was, but entirely different.

My first year of being a student is over, and the second one will also soon come to pass. Reflecting back, I realize that certain things had to happen in order for me to have the life that I currently adore. One special person stands out, not only because he has my heart, but because with him I am slowly but surely finding my way back.

Lately I have been having an empty feeling, that nothing could fill except for faith. Faith in the world, faith in life, faith in myself and faith in God.

I’m looking up with a smile on my face :)

Pure Bliss

Sorry for the long silence people, just had to think for a little while

But now I’m back…from outer space… ;)

As you all know, my mom has, yet again, been diagnosed with cancer in her left breast.  She had her left breast removed on the 25th of May.  There are no traces of cancer in the other breast.  She will be getting chemo again, which is a bit of a downer, but it’s better than living with cancer…right.

Now, for the ladies, I would like to remind you that October is cancer awareness month, so please remember to go to your nearest hospital and get those mammograms…rather safe than sorry.  A shocking fact, girls can develop breast cancer from the young age of 14!!!  Another, more shocking, fact:  more and more men are also diagnosed with breast cancer every year!!

A second time through this journey, I have really started to struggle with my faith.  I still struggle, trying to understand why these things happen to good, innocent people, do we deserve it??  Is it really necessary for Him to let us suffer…the answer is yes!!!

I always pray to God for strength.  His reply, however, was always absent.  But the other night I watched Evan Almighty again.  Then I realised, that God doesn’t just give you what you want, He gives us the opportunities to obtain it.

And for that, I thank Him.

Pink ribbons

University is absolutely crazy!!  But I’m loving every moment of it.

All my semester tests are done for now, so it’s normal class until the 20 May.  Then it’s study study study.  Hard work but somebodies got to do it…right?? ;)

Quick updated on the Hein factor…if he really cared for me, he would have called me.  End of story, done with him (for now anyway).  Why do I need him when I have wonderful new friends (and old) in my life??  I love you guys to death and will do anything for you, as I know you will for me.

One of my new friends, Johann, has asked me to sing with him.  He has a band yes, but I will not be singing with them (metal is not for me, hehe).  We will be singing duets together at his singing lessons.  We start this Saturday.  Personally I can’t wait!!  This is like a dream come true.  Singing!! It is like my hidden passion.  I sing everywhere, thus I was completely ecstatic when he asked me to join in.  Again I realise that for a dream to become reality, it must start small.  This may be the beginnings of something exciting!!

Unfortunately life has not gone that smoothly (but when does it).  Last Thursday (May 7th 2009) my mother was again diagnosed with cancer in her left breast.  When my father gave me the news, I wasn’t at all as shocked as I thought I would be.  It is like I always considered the option, that the cancer will return, in the back of my head.

Luckily my parents were in Pretoria this weekend.  So I can say with upmost certainty that she is totally calm about this whole situation.  Yes, it is tough.  But then again, she went through cancer once and survived.  She is one tough lady :) .  At this stage, I feel it more important to give most of my support to my dad, who has to carry and support my mom during this time.  I love both my parents very much.  And even though my brother and I are far from home, we support them in our hearts.  We will support both them and each other.

I want to ask a favour for all who reads this:  I want you all to wear a pink ribbon this day/week/month or for however long you like.  Even if you don’t wear it on your clothes, wear it on your heart.  Support those with cancer.  Pray for them.  Believe that God knows best in their lives.  Smile at them.  Talk to them.

Cancer may be an illness, but those ill are still normal people.

Benefit of the doubt

Okay, so I know this whole Hein thing is extremely fishy.

Something tells me to not trust him, but then there’s a bigger urge to give him the benefit of the doubt.

If he is lying, however, it will be on his conscience.  I most probably will get hurt, put it is a risk I am willing to take.  Now do not think that I am just going to fall in his arms and melt and do whatever he tells me to.

All I had to go on was a text message from his best friend, who disappeared two days after the accident.  None of his other friends really knew me and did not find it of high priority to let me know, because of the first mentioned reason.  This is still very much confusing, I am not trying to convince myself of anything.  I just think it best to live in the present and learn from the past, so I am weary and on my guard.

Before his accident he was my everything, I was totally in love with him and I never really got over him.  I was sad and alone and feeling so numb.  Now that he is back, my heart is skipping a beat again.  My eyes are alive again, it feels as if a heavy load has been taken off of my shoulder.

He is moving to Hermanus today.  Whether this good or bad I don’t know.  But last night after he called me and asked if he could say goodbye, I was shattered…again.  Losing him again, this time not to death.  But knowing that someone you care for is alive and you can’t be with them is hurtful.  But then again this whole experience was almost always hurtful.

We went to a bar last night and danced, just like we used to.  He held me tight and I felt save, relaxed, everything just melted away and all I could feel was him.  Protecting me, respecting me.

There are people that will tell me (and have already told me) to be careful.  That he could have lied to me.  Yes I agree.  And that would be a very sick and disturbing lie.  But I choose to put a little faith in him.  I may regret it someday, or maybe I won’t.  But you never know if you don’t try.  Right??

Dead man walking…

Yesterday I walked into a bar

I didn’t expect to see him, but there he was…

Hein Smit, the very person I thought to be dead for the past two months, is alive and kicking…

The detail I will give at a later stage, but he was in a coma for a month, and was in hospital until two weeks ago

I’m not sure how to feel about this, or him…

I just need a break…

Please!! Make it stop :’(

At 4:30 am on this day my aunt died.

She was diagnosed with breast cancer in December 2007.  She lived her life to the full from then on, but it still seems so unfair that my mother survived and that my cousins’ mother (respectively 11 and 9) died.

Why does this happen?  I don’t want to be sad anymore.  I don’t want to be strong anymore?  I don’t want to cry anymore.  I just want to be.

“I’m dying, praying, bleeding and screaming…my God my Tourniquet return to me, Salvation!!!!’” – evanescence.

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