Sorry for the long silence people, just had to think for a little while

But now I’m back…from outer space…

As you all know, my mom has, yet again, been diagnosed with cancer in her left breast.  She had her left breast removed on the 25th of May.  There are no traces of cancer in the other breast.  She will be getting chemo again, which is a bit of a downer, but it’s better than living with cancer…right.

Now, for the ladies, I would like to remind you that October is cancer awareness month, so please remember to go to your nearest hospital and get those mammograms…rather safe than sorry.  A shocking fact, girls can develop breast cancer from the young age of 14!!!  Another, more shocking, fact:  more and more men are also diagnosed with breast cancer every year!!

A second time through this journey, I have really started to struggle with my faith.  I still struggle, trying to understand why these things happen to good, innocent people, do we deserve it??  Is it really necessary for Him to let us suffer…the answer is yes!!!

I always pray to God for strength.  His reply, however, was always absent.  But the other night I watched Evan Almighty again.  Then I realised, that God doesn’t just give you what you want, He gives us the opportunities to obtain it.

And for that, I thank Him.

University is absolutely crazy!!  But I’m loving every moment of it.

All my semester tests are done for now, so it’s normal class until the 20 May.  Then it’s study study study.  Hard work but somebodies got to do it…right??

Quick updated on the Hein factor…if he really cared for me, he would have called me.  End of story, done with him (for now anyway).  Why do I need him when I have wonderful new friends (and old) in my life??  I love you guys to death and will do anything for you, as I know you will for me.

One of my new friends, Johann, has asked me to sing with him.  He has a band yes, but I will not be singing with them (metal is not for me, hehe).  We will be singing duets together at his singing lessons.  We start this Saturday.  Personally I can’t wait!!  This is like a dream come true.  Singing!! It is like my hidden passion.  I sing everywhere, thus I was completely ecstatic when he asked me to join in.  Again I realise that for a dream to become reality, it must start small.  This may be the beginnings of something exciting!!

Unfortunately life has not gone that smoothly (but when does it).  Last Thursday (May 7th 2009) my mother was again diagnosed with cancer in her left breast.  When my father gave me the news, I wasn’t at all as shocked as I thought I would be.  It is like I always considered the option, that the cancer will return, in the back of my head.

Luckily my parents were in Pretoria this weekend.  So I can say with upmost certainty that she is totally calm about this whole situation.  Yes, it is tough.  But then again, she went through cancer once and survived.  She is one tough lady .  At this stage, I feel it more important to give most of my support to my dad, who has to carry and support my mom during this time.  I love both my parents very much.  And even though my brother and I are far from home, we support them in our hearts.  We will support both them and each other.

I want to ask a favour for all who reads this:  I want you all to wear a pink ribbon this day/week/month or for however long you like.  Even if you don’t wear it on your clothes, wear it on your heart.  Support those with cancer.  Pray for them.  Believe that God knows best in their lives.  Smile at them.  Talk to them.

Cancer may be an illness, but those ill are still normal people.

Okay, so I know this whole Hein thing is extremely fishy.

Something tells me to not trust him, but then there’s a bigger urge to give him the benefit of the doubt.

If he is lying, however, it will be on his conscience.  I most probably will get hurt, put it is a risk I am willing to take.  Now do not think that I am just going to fall in his arms and melt and do whatever he tells me to.

All I had to go on was a text message from his best friend, who disappeared two days after the accident.  None of his other friends really knew me and did not find it of high priority to let me know, because of the first mentioned reason.  This is still very much confusing, I am not trying to convince myself of anything.  I just think it best to live in the present and learn from the past, so I am weary and on my guard.

Before his accident he was my everything, I was totally in love with him and I never really got over him.  I was sad and alone and feeling so numb.  Now that he is back, my heart is skipping a beat again.  My eyes are alive again, it feels as if a heavy load has been taken off of my shoulder.

He is moving to Hermanus today.  Whether this good or bad I don’t know.  But last night after he called me and asked if he could say goodbye, I was shattered…again.  Losing him again, this time not to death.  But knowing that someone you care for is alive and you can’t be with them is hurtful.  But then again this whole experience was almost always hurtful.

We went to a bar last night and danced, just like we used to.  He held me tight and I felt save, relaxed, everything just melted away and all I could feel was him.  Protecting me, respecting me.

There are people that will tell me (and have already told me) to be careful.  That he could have lied to me.  Yes I agree.  And that would be a very sick and disturbing lie.  But I choose to put a little faith in him.  I may regret it someday, or maybe I won’t.  But you never know if you don’t try.  Right??

Yesterday I walked into a bar

I didn’t expect to see him, but there he was…

Hein Smit, the very person I thought to be dead for the past two months, is alive and kicking…

The detail I will give at a later stage, but he was in a coma for a month, and was in hospital until two weeks ago

I’m not sure how to feel about this, or him…

I just need a break…

At 4:30 am on this day my aunt died.

She was diagnosed with breast cancer in December 2007.  She lived her life to the full from then on, but it still seems so unfair that my mother survived and that my cousins’ mother (respectively 11 and 9) died.

Why does this happen?  I don’t want to be sad anymore.  I don’t want to be strong anymore?  I don’t want to cry anymore.  I just want to be.

“I’m dying, praying, bleeding and screaming…my God my Tourniquet return to me, Salvation!!!!’” – evanescence.

It’s  exactly one month since I heard about Hein’s death.

However tragic it may have been, I’ve found a way to accept it.

I’ve done a bit of thinking (and doing my studies at the Groenkloof campus in Pretoria is an absolute bonus…pretty ducks).  I have realised a few things:

1.   I had wonderfull people in my life before I met him

2.   He was a wonderful guy that I have met and fell in love with

3.   Now that he has gone, I still have my absolutely amazing friends, who support me through the good and the bad times.

I don’t see Hein’s death as a great loss.  I now know how happy I could be someday.  Yes, the person that gave me this happiness is gone, but that doesn’t mean I can never be that happy again…

Thanks to everyone for all your support and prayers.  It really helped me through this.

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Dankie Cobus….ek kon dit nie sonder al jou ondersteuning gedoen het nie.  Dankie dat ek altyd op jou knoppie kan druk, maak nie saak wat dit is nie.

I need a little time to think about a few things.

My life is changing, but it doesn’t help if I don’t change with it.

Live in love

God bless!!

Seeing as this is a time of huge adaptation in my life, I decided to change my blog a bit.

The girl represents me…standing alone in this whole world.  All the posts represent the experiences, both those that have passed and those that have yet to come.  The extras symbolize every person whose support I have and who I am very thankful to have in my life.  Without you there is no me.

The green adds a different feel to the blog.  Its earthiness reminds me that we all have to eventually turn to dust.  To earth.

Today I let God take full control again.  The driver’s license on my life expired.  I’m through with doing it myself.

Today I am taking God’s taxi.

Today…

I change my life.

Life is strange…

Sometimes you just can’t wait to wake up in the morning and start a new sunny, happy day.  But on other days you just wish that the sun will never rise again.

Today again I realised how cruel life can be.

As you have read in my previous post: I met a new love.  His name was Hein Smith.  He was 21 years old.  On Wednesday 11 February 2009 we met at Hatfield Square.  He was just a random guy who started dancing with me, we could’ve danced all night.  I was so happy the whole weekend but missed him very much since I was at home.  On Monday 16 February I cooked a meal for him.  We spent the whole night talking and laughing and joking…as he tucked me in at 2 am he said to me: “I will never leave your side.”

But today, Wednesday 18 February 2009 at 1:50 pm………..

he died.

For what reason I don’t know.  He was so young, so was our relationship as well, but now it’s over.  Now I fully understand the expression so oftenly used:

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

May you rest in peace my gaurdian angel, my love.  I will always cherish your memory.  I will dare to say that I love(d) you…